D is for Devotion, Discipline, Determination, Demands

6 Mar

Each day, we come before our shrines, scattered across the world though they are, to leave offerings. Incense rises, candles shine. Voices crescendo and fall with emotion. Water is poured. Gifts are given. Petitions are made, prayers are answered, heka performed.

At least, that’s the theory, but being devoted is difficult. After an accident with a candle melting all over the shrine, the altar cloth is gone. The rectangle marking it as holy group lies folded up as I prepare to move. Papers, bottles, and a wallet stand where the holy place once stood. Passing thoughts are given to gods and ancestors, but that daily rite, our senut, is left quietly in my mind.

I can feel Them in the back of my mind, in wriggling thoughts. I feel sadness, loneliness, even disappointment. Sometimes I light a candle or incense, pour some water, and smile in Their presence. And though it’s not what They want, it’s enough, because I am not ready to be devoted.

I am the Onion Hoer Kemetic. I look to Djehuty and Ptah as I write. I feel Sekhmet-Bast-Ra in the sunlight. Nut is the Night Sky, Geb is the Earth, and Hethert is Our Fair Lady of Bliss. As much as I long to be the ritualistic Kemetic, I am still an Onion Hoer. I am devoted to Netjer with my very heart, I soar with wings made of their love, but I lack the discipline to commit to ritual each day.

Lack of discipline is resplendent in my life. Long-term commitments are rare, because I know I have difficulty keeping them. This is why I did not initially join the Pagan Blog Project: I am afraid to commit. However, after coming terms with the fact that I can do it at my own pace, on my own time, I shall. Because without that constraint, I can build up to discipline. I may not post every Friday, but I am determined to post with some frequency (even if it’s a case of posting four times one day of the month rather than once a week). I am determined to get through this. At the end of the year, I’ll have a chronicle of what I believe and what I’ve gone through. I’m writing my story so that others will see it and know they are not alone, or so that they will understand they way I live my life.

My gods have not put high demands on me yet. One day, I know They will. I want to serve my community, and to do that, I will have to become a stronger person both in my personal and spiritual life. When I become a Shemsu, perhaps as early as my RPD, things will become more serious. Bast-Mut promised me that, quite some time ago. Until then, I continue to blend the devotion of my heart and the determination of my head into the discipline of my life, so that I will be ready when They call.

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